To All The Men Who Touched Me

To All The Men Who Touched Me

| Kahdija Imari
I now yearn for isolation in the midst of closeness
But I forgive you
 
My trust in my own flesh has faltered 
I want a special someone to want me and please me
But I also want that someone to wait for me to be ready
To not push me, coerce me, tease me
This saddens me
 
Why can't we get to know one another without touching one another?
 
I long to be touched so much 
But you have taught me
Touch is a tool
Year after year
Try after try
Touch is a tool
A master manipulator
 
So I no longer wish to be touched by those I've yet to meet
One of whom shall be my future mate
What a passionate pleaser he is
A deep lover and listener of my words, thoughts, and body
Intoxicatingly fun
Competitive and careful with my time
Protective of our space and showerer of grace
 
I yearn for someone dear to come near but not
close
enough
to touch me
 
I yearn for isolation in the midst of closeness
I want to forgive you
But how
How do I continue to surrender to all forms of love
When loving touches have been weaponized to get a prize
my mind did not want to give
but my body enjoyed every moment 
 
Frozen in time
I stand still
and wait for the sensations to flow through me and subside
Then I muster the will power to tell my feet to move
"I have to go"
"I can't be here"
But this takes time
And time seems only to be on the side of the manipulator 
The one who acts based on my body, not my mind
 
You see I attract more and more of your kind
An unending cycle of disregard for what I say I want
 
Why can't we get to know one another
without touching one another?
 
I can control myself in the moment
I can feel the chemistry boiling
My heartbeat rising
I can gaze into his eyes and cross my ankles
Breathing slowly and containing myself 
 
A man who can exercise the same level of control is who I wish to give myself to
He is calculated
He assesses me
And he cares for me and my purity
He doesn't want to hurt me by rushing me
He doesn't want to just touch me
He wants all of me
And he proves this by showing me
 
He gives me closeness, yet he doesn't touch me
 
Until I touch him
Tags: Poetry